Pooh Pooh


Slightly past tipsy
Waving her glass of whiskey
She declared
“Drinks all around, I’ve been skating
With the devil and survived”
“By any accepted standard I have had more than nine lives
I counted them up once and there were 13 times
I almost and maybe should have died”

A fellow at a nearby table
Laughed and said “Better hitch up your girdle
I think we’re about ta hear a Micky Mouse yarn.”

“Oh Pooh! Pooh!” she sneered
Sipped profusely from her ale-urn
And began:

“My first brush with death was
With a nightmare on Elm Street
An extremely ugly girl who attacked me
Using her pink Jordans like hammers
The volatile manic stomped me senseless
Left me hanging by my pinky finger
Defenseless against any devil’s trigger.”

The motor mouth heckler fell out of his chair
“Tootsie. This ain’t Disney World
And its not worth the price of admission
For a gander of whats under your hair.”

“Oh Pooh! Pooh” she retorted
Don’t rain on my parade you Mort
Turned to the crowd and continued her tale

The Awful Truth of this horror I experienced
Is never trust a Bosom Buddie with your pink ugg boots
When I asked for them back she attacked
Like a mama bear protecting her cubs, the brute
Tore, swore, scratched and left me lying on a railroad track
With a fast approaching diesel in route

She finished her whiskey in one swift gulp
Wiped her brow with a Micky Mouse,glove
The mouthy Psycho had tossed with his bull

Female Trouble she slurred
“Makes one a Topsy-Turvy Sweedie
Seven times I found my self at the point of a gun
Four times a knife wielding jelly had me on the run”

“I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity
to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me”
“Cause in every instance I had to fight against their lethality
Pop an atomic fireball from the nearest snack machine
Become a street fighter and fight for my life”

“Is it any wonder I’m not Dancing in the Street
But Slightly past tipsy in this dive
With my buddy the heckler watching your reaction
To this fib I’ve told when you find out –
Smile – You’re on candid camera!”



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